My dad was a Bobby Knight fan. Loved the guy. A few years ago, when Knight threw the chair onto the Indiana hoops floor to protest a call made by the referee, I thought my dad would drive to Indiana to offer sacrifice and oblations to the man. Perhaps this explains why he used to take me to play basketball with grown men while I was only in my elementary school years. He was 'old school' masulinity and he gloried in manhood as defined as being physically strong and willfully resilient against hard challenges. I mean, he used to eat mayonnaise on his french fries in front of all of the family, and I always questioned his sanity for it every time. He actually gloried in this like he'd done something no man would ever do.
Maybe this explains some of my behavior as well. Once, whilst I was in the first grade, I actually held my breath until I passed out in a contest with some kid who moved to school from Jackson, Mississippi. He'd stolen my girlfriend from me. Her name was Stephanie Holley and we were in the first grade at Altizer Elementary. "Jack" moved to our school during the middle of the year and his accent was so Mississippi Delta that we first graders would actually sit still just to hear him talk. Stephanie liked everything about him too...a little TOO much. She informed me one day that we were 'finished' and Jack was the new man.
With my wounded ego and all, I quickly began thinking of ways to prove my 'manhood' to him and everybody else. Obviously, eating mayonnaise on french fries wasn't going to work. What would I do to do a 'one-up' on the guy to set the record straight? The idea suddenly came to me one day when Mrs. Corron, our teacher, left the room to go to the office. I moved quickly, "Hey Jack! You want to see who can hold their breath the longest? Or, are you too scared?" "Sure," Jack shot back. We pulled our chairs close together. Everybody in the room gathered around us and Stephanie stood behind Jack's shoulder looking at me with the look of Lady Guinavere standing beside Sir Lancelot. (I was King Arthur) "Traitorous Tart!" I thought. Someone was designated the official start person and with the word "Go!" it was game on.
There's no way I can describe what happened after the first minute or so because I don't remember anything past, "wow, he really looks purple!" After that all I remember is lying on the floor, stairing up at the ceiling and seeing the flourescent lights. My head was pounding. After coming to my senses, I bounced up on my feet, still not knowing what had happened to me, to learn the results of my first real Duel, my first test of manhood in the tribe. "Who won?" was all I could get out. It was all I could think about. Hell, it was all I had been thinking about from the moment Lady Guinevere left 'the King' for the new man. "Oh, you won alright, Bryan. You beat Jack!" They were all yelling for me like Roman soldiers cheering for Maximus as he was retiring victorious from the field of battle against Germania. They thought I was a god...as I saw it :)
My teacher, Mrs. Corron, returned to the room just as I was lying on the floor and came bouncing onto my feet. She quickly muted the noisy crowd and came to my side. "What happened! Why were you on the floor? You're face is so red. Let's get you to the nurse right now."
To make this short, my mother was called and arrived at the nurses office to check me out of school. After meeting with my teacher and nurse, my mother looked at me and said, "Do you know what happened to you?" "No, mom, I have no idea," I said. "You were holding your breath and you held your breath until you passed out." To this day, I can still remember the look on her face when she told me this. She had an ever-so-faint smile trying to form on her face, but she held it back...and I knew she was holding it back.
I don't even remember if "I got the girl" back. But I do remember the feeling that on this day I had done something extraordinary even if it was scary. Some definition of my own character and make up had been clarified.
All I remember that night was my dad saying to me, "Son, what got into you?" To which I replied, "Dad, Jack took my girl. I just felt I had to do something, to show who was the better man. So, I challenged him to see who could hold their breath the longest."
The man who would eat mayonnaise on his french fries and who took me to play ball with grown men when I was 11 and 12 years old, looked at me in a way that made me feel ten feet tall. With two sentences he made me a knight, gave me the honor of entering the club of manhood: "Son, that may have been a dangerous way to challenge the other fella, but you showed great strength and fortitude. You scared your mother to death, but I LIKE what you did today."
My dad's birthday would have been last week. He's been gone three years now. By no means was he a perfect man. He certainly had his share of demons. But he gave me a masculine soul and a love for discipline and the dream of a good life. His tireless work ethic and his way of instilling vision in me for a better life set me on a path to be able to make some hard, but necessary changes that even he himself could not make. Good men with good souls want their children to go beyond them, past their weaknesses to reach a good land. My dad wanted these changes for me, and he gave me enough of the good stuff to open the road ahead toward the dream of arriving at a good life, a better life.
I really miss him. I miss his wisdom. I miss his charisma and classiness. I miss his friendship. He was a good man. His faults made him brutally aware of the need for change. Good men like my dad are not about being perfect; they're not about eating french fries with mayonnaise or about holding their breath longer than the next guy. These things are the mere outworkings of something more profound, more soulish: my dad believed that a man should try to be better HIMSELF and to BECOME this for the reward of a good name and a good life with others. He was messy. But, he wanted these things for himself...for me...and for my family.
I owe a great debt to both my mother and father. But today I am thinking about him and appreciating the gift of giving me a masculine soul, and the vision of a good life.
Peace to you, dad, with love and gratitude.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Vocational Discernment: Let Your Life Speak
Career pressures and transition have become a national epidemic more than H1N1. Many of my friends fear getting this career disease more than 'swine flu'. And for good reason: a lot of them are being forced to change careers and look for new jobs, some for more than a year now. The latest statistics from the 'what I see going on' survey tell me that about 1 in 8 people have lost their jobs, many losing their careers altogether. Not a day goes by that I don't meet at least two people who have lost their jobs and have this 'way off look' in their eyes about what to do about it. In my own case, the necessity to change careers ocurred 5 years ago when I chose, of my own volition, to leave my lifelong career, leading me to start my own small business. I still feel the pressure of the financial strains of this economy and am always looking for what my next career move might be should things get worse later than they are now. (Fortunately, my business is holding strong at the present).
When we choose our career paths we often make these decisions early in life. This is what we do in our youth. We dream about being the president, the star athlete, the medical doctor, the mother we've always wanted to be. Often these pictures of who we are and want to be are more influenced by what we think others want or expect us to be than what we really KNOW we are made to do or what we KNOW we are capable of doing. Instead of understanding the nature of who we are and what this means for what we can most effectively do as work, we all fall under the sway of the culture around us, which says, "You can do anything you want, be anything you want. Your potential is limitless, if you can only believe and work hard enough. The future is wide open with possibilities. Don't let anyone limit what you can do or become." Ironically, this cultural message means something very different in the minds of most people when it comes down to what they understand this message to mean. The 'successful person' always ends up looking like the folks who win the most toys, command the most respect and earn social power via physical beauty and athletic prowess.
Sooner or later, we all end up learning (through much painful trial and error) that we are not made to do whatever we want. The human soul has limits as well as potentials, but we often don't pay enough attention to our limitations when making a career choice or transition. Parker Palmer says in his book, Let Your Life Speak, that he always saw himself as a great leader of educational change, possibly as a college president or as an accomplished teacher/author. After decades of trying to be that person, he says that his life eventually, and painfully, got his attention by telling him that this was some other person besides Parker Palmer. Parker Palmer wasn't even close to this person he'd always been trying to be...and he and many others suffered severely for it. His take on this experiment, after living it for some 60 years, is that one's life is trying, quietly, but ever so consistently to tell you what you can (and cannot) do out of your own nature.
I used to have a mentor who told me that it takes a few decades of painful failure to finally awaken to the truth of who you really are. That's a mouthful, but I now recognize it as wisdom. It is very difficult to look honestly at oneself and the pattern of frustrating work experiences over the years IN ORDER TO LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK to you about what and who you really are. When you are forced out of your job or career, it usually means some pretty dark times. In Dante's Inferno he says,
"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself/
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell/
About those woods is hard--so tangle and rough/
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel/
The old fear stirring: death is hardly more bitter./
And yet, to treat the good I found there as well/
I'll tell what I saw...(The Inferno of Dante, Robert Pinsky, trans.)
Dark woods. The right road lost. And, to even think about the experience of those dark woods is like old, stirring fear that makes death hardly more bitter. Okay! And yet, he can tell what he learned, what he saw. What is the frustration of a bad economy or frustrating job history trying to tell you about YOU?
A bad economy or being fired or being asked to leave your company/work over and over again can be more than be forced out of a job; it can also be life's way of helping a person recognize that she may not be doing what her nature is wired to do. It's not a cop-out or some hippified 'love ideology' philosophy to justify 'moving around a lot' or resisting doing things out of duty.
Who are you...BY NATURE? Who am I...by nature? For me personally, I used to think I was the guy who could and would lead many people, large institutions, perhaps in a business or in a community action group. I saw myself as being the front-guy leading the way to something beautiful and good for the world. I saw myself as the consensus-builder...and the visionary... and the conflict-resolution guru. Truth is, my life has been telling me all along that I function, by nature, as a person who works with ideas, not his hands; I work as a thinker, sometimes brooding and melancholy. I don't do well leading large groups of people who require someone who, by nature, can work with competing expectations and various levels of maturity and commitment. I denied, for decades now, that I am energized by solitude and silence, and that my way of leading or influencing people is by thinking things through and paying attention to the power of words and images to communicate ideas that I've spent hours working through in quiet and reflection. I didn't pay attention to the limitations of my nature because I was so busy trying to be a person that didn't live in my skin...and this was harmful to me and to others.
What can I do to learn more about who I am from a career transition , whether forced upon me or chosen of my own will?
Parker Palmer says, first, we must look back to our youth, and pay attention to what came naturally to us. For me, I remember loving to read books like The Legend from Sleepy Hollow. I was also awe-struck by powerful speakers who would come to our local church where I attended as a young boy. I even spent time writing some poetry as a teenager and had an interest in public speaking. During my middle and high school years I had a few occasions to speak at athletic banquets and ceremonies as well as other inspirational events for young people in our community. Some days, during the spring and fall, I would take long walks in the woods and think about what life is all about and how to help people wake up to their own existence. Whenever I would hear classical or new age music, if I were alone, I would become very creative and thoughts would run through my mind by the dozens. This came naturally to me. But, I was also caught in a tension between the world of my own reality and the world around me and what I thought others wanted me to be. So, I pushed this 'natural' life in my own skin aside for a life of sports and performance and public accolades. Not that this was a horrible life, but it was never me. That's why, I think, when my sports career ended after college, I had no desire to continue a professiona life in that arena. I walked away, tired, burned out and empty. All of these are traits of a person who has not been listening to what life has been trying to tell them about their own nature and how to live consistent with that nature. Go back to your younger years. Pay attention to what was natural to you.
Second, learn from what you are not. It isn't easy to know what and who you are even when you decide to find out what this is. But, you can look at what life has told you about what you are NOT. Failure and frustration are great teachers. My desire for performance and competition led me into career choices where I led large groups of volunteers in non-profit work. It was the perfect environment to 'do some good' and receive public approval by being a good guy and doing life-changing activities. Trouble was that it required the skills and nature of someone made to be a politician and a consensus-builder. It took me years of hurting myself...and others...to realize that my idealism and my contemplative makeup are not at all suited for this role. But, because I thought it was what I was supposed to be, I didn't listen to life's messages. It was too risky to listen. I wanted so much to be THAT person. Now, after a few decades under my belt I am paying attention to what my life is telling me I am not in order to help me focus on what I am.
When my dad died, he left a letter that said, "Don't take people for granted. Tell them you love them often. Live in the moment and run toward joy." His letter has been a way of helping me stay connected to him and has also been a vision compass for me to get back on track. The letter has also shown me the power of words and ideas. When you live and work in a way that is true to your own nature, there is a simplicity to your life, where you don't take people for granted and you live in the moment. You have to live your life, not the one you others expect you to live. It isn't selfish. In fact, it is selfish for you to try to be something you are not...and sooner or later, we will all suffer from your choices to constantly try to be something you are not. Pay attention to your life. Let your life speak...and listen to it.
When we choose our career paths we often make these decisions early in life. This is what we do in our youth. We dream about being the president, the star athlete, the medical doctor, the mother we've always wanted to be. Often these pictures of who we are and want to be are more influenced by what we think others want or expect us to be than what we really KNOW we are made to do or what we KNOW we are capable of doing. Instead of understanding the nature of who we are and what this means for what we can most effectively do as work, we all fall under the sway of the culture around us, which says, "You can do anything you want, be anything you want. Your potential is limitless, if you can only believe and work hard enough. The future is wide open with possibilities. Don't let anyone limit what you can do or become." Ironically, this cultural message means something very different in the minds of most people when it comes down to what they understand this message to mean. The 'successful person' always ends up looking like the folks who win the most toys, command the most respect and earn social power via physical beauty and athletic prowess.
Sooner or later, we all end up learning (through much painful trial and error) that we are not made to do whatever we want. The human soul has limits as well as potentials, but we often don't pay enough attention to our limitations when making a career choice or transition. Parker Palmer says in his book, Let Your Life Speak, that he always saw himself as a great leader of educational change, possibly as a college president or as an accomplished teacher/author. After decades of trying to be that person, he says that his life eventually, and painfully, got his attention by telling him that this was some other person besides Parker Palmer. Parker Palmer wasn't even close to this person he'd always been trying to be...and he and many others suffered severely for it. His take on this experiment, after living it for some 60 years, is that one's life is trying, quietly, but ever so consistently to tell you what you can (and cannot) do out of your own nature.
I used to have a mentor who told me that it takes a few decades of painful failure to finally awaken to the truth of who you really are. That's a mouthful, but I now recognize it as wisdom. It is very difficult to look honestly at oneself and the pattern of frustrating work experiences over the years IN ORDER TO LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK to you about what and who you really are. When you are forced out of your job or career, it usually means some pretty dark times. In Dante's Inferno he says,
"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself/
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell/
About those woods is hard--so tangle and rough/
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel/
The old fear stirring: death is hardly more bitter./
And yet, to treat the good I found there as well/
I'll tell what I saw...(The Inferno of Dante, Robert Pinsky, trans.)
Dark woods. The right road lost. And, to even think about the experience of those dark woods is like old, stirring fear that makes death hardly more bitter. Okay! And yet, he can tell what he learned, what he saw. What is the frustration of a bad economy or frustrating job history trying to tell you about YOU?
A bad economy or being fired or being asked to leave your company/work over and over again can be more than be forced out of a job; it can also be life's way of helping a person recognize that she may not be doing what her nature is wired to do. It's not a cop-out or some hippified 'love ideology' philosophy to justify 'moving around a lot' or resisting doing things out of duty.
Who are you...BY NATURE? Who am I...by nature? For me personally, I used to think I was the guy who could and would lead many people, large institutions, perhaps in a business or in a community action group. I saw myself as being the front-guy leading the way to something beautiful and good for the world. I saw myself as the consensus-builder...and the visionary... and the conflict-resolution guru. Truth is, my life has been telling me all along that I function, by nature, as a person who works with ideas, not his hands; I work as a thinker, sometimes brooding and melancholy. I don't do well leading large groups of people who require someone who, by nature, can work with competing expectations and various levels of maturity and commitment. I denied, for decades now, that I am energized by solitude and silence, and that my way of leading or influencing people is by thinking things through and paying attention to the power of words and images to communicate ideas that I've spent hours working through in quiet and reflection. I didn't pay attention to the limitations of my nature because I was so busy trying to be a person that didn't live in my skin...and this was harmful to me and to others.
What can I do to learn more about who I am from a career transition , whether forced upon me or chosen of my own will?
Parker Palmer says, first, we must look back to our youth, and pay attention to what came naturally to us. For me, I remember loving to read books like The Legend from Sleepy Hollow. I was also awe-struck by powerful speakers who would come to our local church where I attended as a young boy. I even spent time writing some poetry as a teenager and had an interest in public speaking. During my middle and high school years I had a few occasions to speak at athletic banquets and ceremonies as well as other inspirational events for young people in our community. Some days, during the spring and fall, I would take long walks in the woods and think about what life is all about and how to help people wake up to their own existence. Whenever I would hear classical or new age music, if I were alone, I would become very creative and thoughts would run through my mind by the dozens. This came naturally to me. But, I was also caught in a tension between the world of my own reality and the world around me and what I thought others wanted me to be. So, I pushed this 'natural' life in my own skin aside for a life of sports and performance and public accolades. Not that this was a horrible life, but it was never me. That's why, I think, when my sports career ended after college, I had no desire to continue a professiona life in that arena. I walked away, tired, burned out and empty. All of these are traits of a person who has not been listening to what life has been trying to tell them about their own nature and how to live consistent with that nature. Go back to your younger years. Pay attention to what was natural to you.
Second, learn from what you are not. It isn't easy to know what and who you are even when you decide to find out what this is. But, you can look at what life has told you about what you are NOT. Failure and frustration are great teachers. My desire for performance and competition led me into career choices where I led large groups of volunteers in non-profit work. It was the perfect environment to 'do some good' and receive public approval by being a good guy and doing life-changing activities. Trouble was that it required the skills and nature of someone made to be a politician and a consensus-builder. It took me years of hurting myself...and others...to realize that my idealism and my contemplative makeup are not at all suited for this role. But, because I thought it was what I was supposed to be, I didn't listen to life's messages. It was too risky to listen. I wanted so much to be THAT person. Now, after a few decades under my belt I am paying attention to what my life is telling me I am not in order to help me focus on what I am.
When my dad died, he left a letter that said, "Don't take people for granted. Tell them you love them often. Live in the moment and run toward joy." His letter has been a way of helping me stay connected to him and has also been a vision compass for me to get back on track. The letter has also shown me the power of words and ideas. When you live and work in a way that is true to your own nature, there is a simplicity to your life, where you don't take people for granted and you live in the moment. You have to live your life, not the one you others expect you to live. It isn't selfish. In fact, it is selfish for you to try to be something you are not...and sooner or later, we will all suffer from your choices to constantly try to be something you are not. Pay attention to your life. Let your life speak...and listen to it.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Encouragement for Those Bogged Down in the War of Art
I'll begin my encouragement to those who do creative work with a quote from Johnie Lee Hooker, "Boogie Chillen."
'One night I was layin' down,
I heard Papa talkin' to Mama,
I heard Papa say, to let that boy boogie-woogie.
'Cause it's in him and it's got to come out.
Sometimes when I manage to quiet my mind long enough, I imagine the person I was meant to be, the work I could accomplish and the dreams of a life meant, even made, to happen. I can hear the 'boogie-woogie' that is in me and that's 'got to come out.' You know what that's like...we all have two lives: the life we actually live and the unlived life within us. You dream of being a mother who gifts your children with moral dignity and a joyful heart; you wonder what it would be like to give more of yourself to serving those who need help around you.
In between the life we live and the unlived life within us stands Resistance, according to Steven Pressfield in 'The War of Art'. The enemy is Resistance. Freud called it the 'Death Wish' because resistance is a destructive force that rises whenever we consider a tough, long-term action that might do for us or others something that's actually good and enjoyable (Foreword of 'The War of Art, Robert McKee). Thus, resistance will tell you every reason to procrastinate, justify doodling too long on facebook, make you use all means necessary to rationalize, distract, frighten you right out of the work you are made to do. It will make you blame your spouse, your kids, conjure up fears of being homeless from financial deprivation if you listen to you heart. Resistance is a power that is as natural as your gifting, and it's ruthless. If you continue to give in, it will deform your humanity and eventually bury you in your own skin. Fighting resistance is like staring down death in the face. People can actually lose themselves in the fight. I know because I almost let it happen to me
And so, I ask myself and you, once again, "Are you a writer who doesn't write, a painter who doesn't paint, an entrepreneur who never starts a venture? A humanitarian who doesn't serve? If so, then you know what resistance is." (The Art of War, p. 1
I leave you with this one encouragement from Pressfield...listen with your heart...
"Creative work is...a gift to the world and every being in it. DON'T CHEAT US OF YOUR CONTRIBUTION. GIVE US WHAT YOU'VE GOT." It doesn't matter what the experts say. Don't let resistance bury you. Do what you do. Give us 'the boogie-woogie' that is in you. The world needs what you have to offer.
'One night I was layin' down,
I heard Papa talkin' to Mama,
I heard Papa say, to let that boy boogie-woogie.
'Cause it's in him and it's got to come out.
Sometimes when I manage to quiet my mind long enough, I imagine the person I was meant to be, the work I could accomplish and the dreams of a life meant, even made, to happen. I can hear the 'boogie-woogie' that is in me and that's 'got to come out.' You know what that's like...we all have two lives: the life we actually live and the unlived life within us. You dream of being a mother who gifts your children with moral dignity and a joyful heart; you wonder what it would be like to give more of yourself to serving those who need help around you.
In between the life we live and the unlived life within us stands Resistance, according to Steven Pressfield in 'The War of Art'. The enemy is Resistance. Freud called it the 'Death Wish' because resistance is a destructive force that rises whenever we consider a tough, long-term action that might do for us or others something that's actually good and enjoyable (Foreword of 'The War of Art, Robert McKee). Thus, resistance will tell you every reason to procrastinate, justify doodling too long on facebook, make you use all means necessary to rationalize, distract, frighten you right out of the work you are made to do. It will make you blame your spouse, your kids, conjure up fears of being homeless from financial deprivation if you listen to you heart. Resistance is a power that is as natural as your gifting, and it's ruthless. If you continue to give in, it will deform your humanity and eventually bury you in your own skin. Fighting resistance is like staring down death in the face. People can actually lose themselves in the fight. I know because I almost let it happen to me
And so, I ask myself and you, once again, "Are you a writer who doesn't write, a painter who doesn't paint, an entrepreneur who never starts a venture? A humanitarian who doesn't serve? If so, then you know what resistance is." (The Art of War, p. 1
I leave you with this one encouragement from Pressfield...listen with your heart...
"Creative work is...a gift to the world and every being in it. DON'T CHEAT US OF YOUR CONTRIBUTION. GIVE US WHAT YOU'VE GOT." It doesn't matter what the experts say. Don't let resistance bury you. Do what you do. Give us 'the boogie-woogie' that is in you. The world needs what you have to offer.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A Gift from a New Friend Who has Cancer
Today, while working out at the gym, I spoke with a new friend of mine. I met him a few weeks ago while wiping the sweat off of the leg extension machine. He's a strong, tall guy with a warrior's build and swagger and the kind of smile that puts you at ease immediately. It's what led me to introduce myself to him. We talked on and off for weeks after that initial introduction as we crossed paths. A month ago he was sporting a full head of hair; last week he came in with his head shaved. After giving him some grief about it and asking why he did it, he said, "I've been diagnosed with lymphoma. My mother died of cancer in her 50's. My brother died of it at 57. I'm 51 and now I have it. I just had my first round of chemo and went ahead and shaved it all off before it falls out. But, I'm here today. I'm living this moment. The odds are against me genetically. I have to choose to live now."
If you have lived a while and seen much suffering, that kind of news from a living person 'hits' home. It actually 'hits' you. Here was a real man, a new friend of mine, somebody's father and husband, telling me that his family history fades to black when they arrive in their 50's and he's now fighting the same battle against the ending of his life. I used to feel the weight of this kind of news when I was younger, but not like I do now. It shakes me, causes me to actually bleed in my spirit. It's becoming more normal as I get older. I don't want it to be 'normal'. It makes me afraid of the eventual loss of more of my loved ones.
My new friend has been fighting this disease with a valiant determination and optimism. He is still working out, and he is still smiling, but not because he's in denial. I think he really understands that each moment is all he has and he is now making the most courageous stand of all...to live...to open wide his eyes and drink up every drop he can while he has life in his body. He gave me a gift today. He let me walk with him and carry a bit of his pain. As we stood talking alone outside the workout area, I said, "(Friend), every time I see you, I know that you are standing on the edge between life and death and I don't want you to be there. I don't want you to be there alone either. Damn it, (friend), I want you to live, to go on." In that moment, he chose, once again, to embrace that moment of living as well...with courage and beauty and honesty. "I don't want this to happen. I don't want to stop living. I love living, life!" We were on holy ground. Fighting back the tears, he just stood there, leaning into the dark storm where he finds himself. "I love living; I love life." Words of a man who is coming to grips with the potential loss of it and who is choosing to 'live into' the full spectrum of experiences that his new condition brings.
My new friend is choosing to live...and doing it beautifully by embracing all he can get out of life, including both the desire for it to continue and the fear of it coming to an end soon. And, I am trying to make the same choice as he. My choice to live is leading me to stand with him, to stay as close as I can to him through this journey because I want him to know I care, to know I am with him. There is some kind of mystical union that occurs when I choose to embrace life when that choice brings me beside someone overlooking the precipice of his own death. You embrace a little of their journey, very little of it, but enough of it to lose a bit of your own life, your own security. You are choosing to live by choosing to be a fellow-traveller with your friend through whatever that choice brings. Today was painful for him...it was for me. I am glad it hurt me. It means I am WITH my new friend, not merely observing his fight. One day, when I get that kind of news about my own failing condition, I will be glad for the friends who choose life by choosing to live WITH me through that part of my journey as well. We choose to live and this brings us alongside friends facing life's possible end. Similarly, people choose to live with us, to journey with us through it all. I, hopefully, will choose life in this way for my friends and they will do the same for me. This makes choosing life worth it...even when it is painful and leads us to face the end of it...together.
If you have lived a while and seen much suffering, that kind of news from a living person 'hits' home. It actually 'hits' you. Here was a real man, a new friend of mine, somebody's father and husband, telling me that his family history fades to black when they arrive in their 50's and he's now fighting the same battle against the ending of his life. I used to feel the weight of this kind of news when I was younger, but not like I do now. It shakes me, causes me to actually bleed in my spirit. It's becoming more normal as I get older. I don't want it to be 'normal'. It makes me afraid of the eventual loss of more of my loved ones.
My new friend has been fighting this disease with a valiant determination and optimism. He is still working out, and he is still smiling, but not because he's in denial. I think he really understands that each moment is all he has and he is now making the most courageous stand of all...to live...to open wide his eyes and drink up every drop he can while he has life in his body. He gave me a gift today. He let me walk with him and carry a bit of his pain. As we stood talking alone outside the workout area, I said, "(Friend), every time I see you, I know that you are standing on the edge between life and death and I don't want you to be there. I don't want you to be there alone either. Damn it, (friend), I want you to live, to go on." In that moment, he chose, once again, to embrace that moment of living as well...with courage and beauty and honesty. "I don't want this to happen. I don't want to stop living. I love living, life!" We were on holy ground. Fighting back the tears, he just stood there, leaning into the dark storm where he finds himself. "I love living; I love life." Words of a man who is coming to grips with the potential loss of it and who is choosing to 'live into' the full spectrum of experiences that his new condition brings.
My new friend is choosing to live...and doing it beautifully by embracing all he can get out of life, including both the desire for it to continue and the fear of it coming to an end soon. And, I am trying to make the same choice as he. My choice to live is leading me to stand with him, to stay as close as I can to him through this journey because I want him to know I care, to know I am with him. There is some kind of mystical union that occurs when I choose to embrace life when that choice brings me beside someone overlooking the precipice of his own death. You embrace a little of their journey, very little of it, but enough of it to lose a bit of your own life, your own security. You are choosing to live by choosing to be a fellow-traveller with your friend through whatever that choice brings. Today was painful for him...it was for me. I am glad it hurt me. It means I am WITH my new friend, not merely observing his fight. One day, when I get that kind of news about my own failing condition, I will be glad for the friends who choose life by choosing to live WITH me through that part of my journey as well. We choose to live and this brings us alongside friends facing life's possible end. Similarly, people choose to live with us, to journey with us through it all. I, hopefully, will choose life in this way for my friends and they will do the same for me. This makes choosing life worth it...even when it is painful and leads us to face the end of it...together.
Monday, March 16, 2009
What It Means to Be a Human Being
The world around us is a fascinating one, is it not? The morning sun rises slowly in the eastern sky and one glimpse can stop you in your tracks, moving the most hardened among us to wonder and gratitude: "I exist! And, I exist in a world of infinite, inexpressible beauty!" But as fascinating as the world around us is, the most fascinating world of all may actually be the world inside us, the world inside the human soul.
Human beings really are wondrous creatures. We have the capacity to think and feel, to plan and accomplish. We seem capable of imagining endless possibilities for creative work and inquiry into our world. What other creature has put one of their own kind on the moon and asked, "What does this tell us about our world, our lives?" A human being may be one among many creatures, but we are truly amazing creatures.
But being human can be frustrating. With all this capacity to do so many things, just answering the most basic questions of all-the questions of who we are and what it means to be a human being-can be a painful puzzle to living a meaningful, daily life.
Over the next few days, I'm going to be writing about what it means to be a human being and who you and I are. For today, I leave you with this thought: Who are you? You are something of infinite value because you are created by love and for love. This means you are more important than what you possess or what you have. Who you are on the inside is more important than what you look like or what the scales say about your weight. Nobody else is uniquely you. With you comes a wonderfully unique combination of talents and wounds. You are greater than all your failures...and all your successes. And, you have much to give the world just by being alive in your own skin. This is who you are and this is deeply instructive of what it means to be a human being. More later....
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